38. Marathon of Discomfort
I went to the wedding for a college friend and ended up experiencing the worst wedding/best wedding story I could fear/hope for.
Let’s start with the location. For some, unknown reason, they had decided to hold the ceremony at the funeral chapel in a local cemetery. The setting could be charitably described as baroque, it felt more like they were being married in a tomb. Wrought iron floor candelabras lined the walls, and the alter featured a graphic relief carving of the Crucifixion. What little natural light there was filtered in through small, stained glass windows high on the walls, similarly ordained with scenes of death. I was not entirely sure that we wouldn’t be sacrificed to the old gods and new as part of the ceremony (the bride had a penchant for the macabre and was somewhat unpredictable).
The ceremony itself had cringe-worthy elements. At one point, the bride turned to the audience and sang a rendition of “Tonight” from West Side Story. She considers herself a talented singer. Her ability does not match her confidence. Later, the maid of honor read a poem, written by the bride, about how lucky the groom was to have her. Her poetry was on par with her singing. I spent the 45 minutes of the ceremony squeezing my wife’s hand in mental agony.
The festivities continued at the reception. The bridal party elected to do their photos between the ceremony and reception. While typically less favorable than doing the photos before the ceremony (possibly a topic of contention, fight me), doing so is generally acceptable as long as arrangements are made for the guests not involved. In this case, there were no such arrangements. We sat in an empty room, with no music, food, or beverages for an hour and a half (!) waiting for things to start. In the meantime, we admired the decor. The reception theme was “a midnight in Paris”, though they inadvertently arrived at a “sh**ty prom”. The tables were adorned with stars made from sticks poked into styrofoam balls, spray-painted gold and covered in glitter. The centrepiece was a large foam moon with a starry sky backdrop, against which guests could stage awkward prom photo shoots. The entire affair had a solid “Nailed it! ” vibe.
Things did not significantly improve once the bridal party arrived. The family was conservative Christian, so there was no alcohol. In retrospect, I’m glad I wasn’t able to dull the memory of this illustrious event. Music was provided by the bride’s cousin, whose duties were to press play on a windows media player playlist, a task that took far more effort than I would have expected. The emotional climax of the reception was when the bride’s father serenaded her with an old country-western standard. I could immediately see where she had gotten her musical ability.
It was the most cringeworthy 5 hours of my life, I would not trade the memory for anything.