The Ultimate Collection of the Most Savage Comebacks Ever

58. She Never Did

My friend married a lass I had previously dated in high school. She was a schoolteacher, and he was complaining to me that things weren’t going well in the bedroom.

Friend: “Over and over again, it’s just ‘Not tonight, it’s a school night”

Me: “She never said that to me”.

59. You Breathe

Math class, age about 14/15. We had the worst teacher who let anyone do anything they wanted. I was playing Pokémon on a DS, my friend had his feet on the table, etc. Not a controlled classroom at all.

The annoying girl was singing really off-key and just… Just so very badly. I asked her, nicely, to stop several times. She kept at it, but this time leaning into my face and putting her shitty tinny phone near my ear.

Her, sarcastically: Oh… Sorry. Am I annoying you?

Me, after glancing up at her and turning back to my DS: You annoy me every time you breathe, it’s nothing new.

Most of the people in her social circle laughed about it. The alternative A+ student calling out the popular girl… A lot of them found that funny. I feel kinda bad about it, apparently, it made her pretty self-conscious for a while after.

reddituser

60. Twice a Day

We had a new hire at our firm who finally did something correctly during an audit engagement and started bragging. I looked up at him from my computer and said, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day” and went back to work. He sat in shock for several seconds.

61. Her Time

We’re all at my friend’s parent’s new beach house, but it was a fixer-upper. We couldn’t drive yet so they would put us to work before they’d drive us anywhere, which was maybe a little stingy but fair considering the use we’ve gotten out of it since then. My friend was going to ask his mom for a ride to the beach and he relayed to us their conversation when he returned:

Him: “So I asked her for a ride, and she said who’s gonna do the housework”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So I told her we’d do the dishes and vacuum. So then she said how about gas”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So then I told her we could pay for gas. Then she asked how about my time”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So then I told her her time was worthless.

So I think she’s going to drive us.”

Lankience

62. Your Parents?

I was a manager in a restaurant, and a server was flirting with me for a couple of weeks. This was a very corporate restaurant and I was trying my very best to be a decent human and not mess around with any hourly staff. I had a few moments where I minimized her advances but could feel her coming on stronger and stronger.

One day in the office, while we were alone (doing her checkout), she was laying it on really thick. At the end of the conversation, she asked “When are you taking me to dinner?”

I replied, “Don’t your parents feed you?”

She says that she called me a “mother f*cker” in her head and knew she wanted to be with me forever when she heard that line.

12 years later… been married for years and she still tells the story so I guess it’s gotta be at least one of my best comebacks

63. Whole Life

My sister has been really tall her whole life and was harassed a lot by other kids growing up for being so tall.

The girl asks her for the thousandth time, “how’s the weather up there?”

Sister spits on her and says “it’s raining.”

64. Good Day

I was with a friend about how he was going to come out to his parents and some guy came up to us and started ranting and talking down to my friend. In the middle of the guy talking my friend said: “I’m sorry sir, but it seems like you are trying to engage in a battle of wits with us but I cannot in good conscience fight with someone who is unarmed in this field. Good day sir.”

65. One Day

Back in middle school

Girl: You have boobs

Me (M): Don’t worry, one day you will have them too

Her friends around her burst out laughing, she started crying.

66. Not For You

This honestly probably gets buried but I wanted to share anyway.

My parents first met when mom was freshly divorced and dad was getting divorced. Both are in bad places, and both are sassy as they all get out. Dad had an ‘86 Corvette that he adored, and one day he drove to my mother’s place of work for an interview.

He pulled up in his Corvette, in perfect view of the window where she was sitting. When he walked in, she looked at him and said “I don’t like your car.”

Dad’s response was “Well I didn’t buy it for you.”

They began dating shortly after and had a wonderful time together.

His proposal when his divorce was officially finalized was, “My divorce was finalized today. You have 24 hours to decide if you want to marry me.”

They’ve been married for over 35 years in January.

67. Shoot Him Down

My brother and his friend were at some party and there was a gaggle of hot babes that caught everyone’s attention.

They were both intimidated, but the friend worked up the courage to go up to one of them and say, “Do you want to dance?”

She looked him up and down with a snotty expression on her face, clearly about to shoot him down. She says, “What did you say?”

He goes, “I said you look fat in those pants“

68. Eyebrow Game

Me and some friends went into a gas station convenience store for some snacks once. These two girls outside are arguing (like friends arguing, not hostile). We go in to get our snacks to come out and all of a sudden one of them YELLS,

“You’re just mad that my eyebrow game is stronger than your relationships!”

And that’s the story of how I nearly had an asthma attack for the first time in over 10 years.

reddituser

69. Pretty Great!

I worked with an old cranky guy who always had great comebacks.

He was at a party with his new wife when her ex-husband walked up to him and asked, “So, how’s it feel being married to my used goods?”

My coworker replied, “Well, it’s pretty great once you get past the used part.”

The ex-husband just got a pissed off look on his face and walked away.

70. Condescending Way

My wife and I took our girls out to meet my wife’s side of the family. On our first day staying at her brother’s, he was making everyone breakfast. My daughter who was 8 had us busting up laughing. He was trying to ask her if he needed to make her a plate but he ended up talking to her in a slightly condescending way. So he asks “Do you need me to make your plate for you?” she replied, “No I’ve had food before.” One of the funniest things to happen on the whole trip. Was so good.