The Ultimate Collection of the Most Savage Comebacks Ever

30. Long After

Heard an apprentice arguing with one of the older tradesmen at work. Tradesmen tell said apprentice he’s been doing this job since before the lad was born. Lad answers ” I’ll still be doing it long after you’re dead”.

Mmartygers

31. ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’

Hard to explain in English but here goes and it’s one of mine:

In Belgium, there are two dialects that get ridiculed the most, one of the coastal province ‘West Vlaams’ and another ‘Limburgs’. I speak the latter.

At a festival, I started chatting with a girl next to me who spoke ‘West Vlaams’. She immediately started making fun of my accent. At first, I kinda ignored it but it kept coming up so we started to have a discussion about it.

‘Limburgs’ is quite a slow dialect so people say everyone who speaks it is dumb. I said we actually speak slowly because it makes it easy to understand. While ‘West Vlaams’ is more like grunting vowels which no one will understand and sounds primitive. She kept dissing Limburgs so I just acted like I didn’t understand anything she was saying because of her dialect. At which point she said in English: ‘whatever floats your boat’. To which I acted surprised and responded: ‘Hey I understood that! .. because it was in English’.

She burst into laughter and was a good sport about it. The dialect didn’t come up afterwards.

32. We Are Miss

Our economics teacher was a complete legend. But one semester he had to take off because he broke his leg badly surfing, so we had a replacement. She was not a legend. One time we were all talking (year 12, so final year of school) and she got sick of us, so she said that we could only talk if it was about the work we were doing, which at the time was to do with the economic impact of unemployment. After about 5 minutes (if that) we started talking about random sh*t again.

My mate was telling us about how his older sister had just had a daughter and he’d gone to meet her the weekend before. We obviously were a bit too loud and the teacher heard us and called out “excuse my table in the middle, it doesn’t sound like you are talking about your work.” without any hesitation, I turned around and said, “of course we are miss, his niece is unemployed.” I didn’t think it was that great of a comeback, but the class lost all their sh*t and one of the guys came up to me after class and said “crazy, you’ve always been a pretty funny guy, but that was hilarious”. I didn’t have much self-confidence at the time so it meant a lot to me.

33. Not Really

In college, the guy next door swaggers over to my room to brag after bringing a girl over for fun.

Neighbor: “Hope we didn’t keep you up.”

Me: “Not for long.”

The poor guy looked defeated as my roommate laughed his *ss off at him.

34. They Are Coming Back

I had recently gone from my natural hair color of dark brown to platinum blonde and my boyfriend and I went to our favorite bar where one of our friends was the security. It’s closing time and he’s telling everyone to leave. I start joking and loudly talking sh*t. Our friend comes back and tells me “(Tabimatha) your roots called. They’re coming back.” My jaw hit the floor and I left trying to hide my hair and my boyfriend is laughing his ass off behind me. I didn’t come back til I got my hair touched up.

35. If You Lied

A friend was at a nightclub and saw a couple of hot girls walk by. He said, “you’re looking beautiful tonight”. One of them looked him up and down and responded with, “I wish I could say the same for you”. Without missing a beat, he comes back with, “you could if you lied like I did!”

36. Better Job

Walking around DC with a group of exchange students (me being one of them) and a chaperone, I drop some unwanted change in a beggar’s cup. The chaperone says: “You shouldn’t give them money to these guys, they make more money than I do!” Me: “Maybe you should get a better job then?”

37. Bossy Tone

During the summer I had an internship at a coworking space. The boss asked me to create and distribute a survey to all companies that work there to collect data for an internal event. Per his request, I added questions for names, emails and phone numbers so that the manager of the coworking space can easily contact everyone when needed. That information was not compulsory, of course, if someone doesn’t feel like sharing. Anyway, there was this woman, probably some boss of whatever company, who came to our office and demanded the age of the person who made the survey. I raised my hand and said I was 19. She then proceeded to smirk and claimed “Make sense!”. After that she continued to irritate the whole office with her bossy tone, teaching me not to ask for other personal information and shit. After 5 minutes of her delivering her “lifetime” speech, I could not take it anymore and simply cut her with “Yes ma’am, I understand. I will take your advice next time.” She stayed silent for a few seconds and then looked down on me, asked: “Which uni do you go to?” with a belittling tone.

So I answered: “That’s also personal information, ma’am.” She immediately shut the f up and then left.

platitudinous_remark

38. Sympathy Gang

I remember in primary school one of the more dramatic girls was crying about f*ck knows what and it was a big deal all the girls were gathered around her talking with her and refusing any guys come over to sympathise with her and one guy, in particular, was rejected entry to the exclusive sympathy gang with a “you wouldn’t understand” and he fired back (loudly enough for all to hear) “Nah I understand, she spent too long looking in a mirror” and the hilarity from everyone, even the girls and girl included, laughed their *sses off. We were all far too young to have ever heard something of such comic genius and breaking from such a serious mood, it was such a great moment. Primary school was the tits.

39. Oh Monday

New guy harassing my buddy at work for missing a Monday.

New guy: What’s up with you missing Monday man? Friend: Oh, didn’t I tell you? New guy: No, what’s up? Friend: Must be none of your f*ckin’ business then.

Poor new guy. Lol.

40. In Agreement

Playing cribbage against my mother.

Mom: You son of a b*tch.

Me: Agreed

My grandmother and I couldn’t stop laughing, took my mom a few seconds to get it.

41. Girl’s Name

Back story, they thought my younger brother was going to be a girl before he was born. I on the other hand came out ass first because of a fall my mam took. We were having a movie night, he was 6 and I was 7. We were talking about how they were going to call him a girl’s name, I was laughing and I said something along the lines of ‘Haha they thought you were a girl’ and instantly, this 6-year-old boy shot back with ‘when you came out, they thought you were an *ss.’ Holy f*ck was that witty for such a young lad. My dad was proud, to say the least.

42. Don’t Mess

Some high society women had a beef, forget who, new york types many moons ago.

Younger woman to older woman, when attending some dinner party and waiting to enter:

Age before beauty.

Older woman:

Pearls before swine.

reddituser

43. Where’s the Son?

I was 18 and working in a bar, this older bloke (50s) had been working hard on letching in at me for a couple of hours. Finally, he and his friend were at the end of the bar and he asked me for my number. Without due consideration for my job, I said ‘Why? Do you have a son?’.

It was 10 years ago and it’s still my favourite comeback.

reddituser

44. Several Days

Some good-looking wrestler kid tells me one day:” Damm dude you are so fat!”

I flatly replied: “Maybe, but I can always go on a diet – you’ll be ugly forever.”

This guy absolutely loses his sh*t and tries to fight me. Luckily I had several large friends around to help me out. I had no idea that someone I considered pretty good-looking (even for a guy; no homo) would be so incredibly insecure about his looks.

Years later in college, we became friends and he told me he cried himself to sleep for several days feeling like the ugliest duckling in high school. I did feel bad when I heard that… but I also wondered why someone so sensitive wouldn’t even consider that calling another person fat was also very hurtful.

45. The Only Guy

I was with a group of guys at work and one of them call me gay. I turned and looked at him and said ” Just because I’m the only guy who hasn’t banged your wife doesn’t make me gay”

46. She Said

Teacher: “you wouldn’t make it into med school with your grades”

My mate: “you’re right miss, I guess I’ll become a teacher”

48. Too Much

Back in the day when I was a goth (Huge Marilyn Manson fan) at a stage where I didn’t know the phrase “more is less” – one of the neighbour kids just looked at me and said;

“I think you’re meant to wear the lipstick not eat it”

Owch.

49. Hottest Place

When I was about 10 years old, I went to Nandos with my friend and her family. My dad always loved chilli and spice so I turn I grew up loving it as well. I remember I ordered the hottest plate of chicken wings and the waiter asked ‘I’m sorry but I’m sure those are far too hot for you and I fired back ‘I’ve had mouthwash hotter than this’

50. It’s English

When I was only in grade school there was a boy in class who was talking loud and cursing frequently, we’ll just call him Billy. The teacher heard him and said “Billy! Watch your language!” and he replied “Why? It’s f*cking English.”

Young me was blown away.

51. 9 Months

I just had this conversation with my sister.

Me: Help mum carry the stuff to the car.

Sister: It’s heavy.

Me: She carried you for 9 months. Surely you could carry that for 5 minutes.

52. Good Enough

Dated a girl ages ago, she wrecked my car picking up her ex from the airport. She lied, I had no clue she was doing that with my car until it all happened. Ended up buying the same car as a replacement as it was just too good a deal to pass up on. Got my windows tinted. She and I still had loosely similar friend groups so we unfortunately eventually crossed paths again. She starts mouthing off and trying to be a d*ck to me and says, “Why would you waste your time doing anything to do up your car like that? It’s just cobalt, they’re pieces of shit. You couldn’t pay me to own one.”

When she wrecked my previous Cobalt, she told her ex it was her car. I instantly snapped back, “Well they’re good enough for you to pretend one is yours so how bad can they be?” She couldn’t even come up with anything to say in response. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

reddituser

53. Different Form

Worked in an office at the front desk. A customer came in and was pissed about the paperwork she had to fill out. She was going on and on about how we were wasting her time and then she said, “You must think I’m retarded.” By pure accident, the following words slipped out of my mouth:

“We have a different form for that if you need it.”

As she began screeching like a banshee, I didn’t say any more. I just went and got my supervisor.

54. They Lost It

In my economics class in high school, we were off-topic discussing a recent basketball game between our school and another school. The other school has a mostly Hispanic student body.

While talking about the game, a student, we’ll call him Justin, says “I like to shout to the other student section ‘Why don’t you guys jump back over the border!'”

Without skipping a beat, my teacher replied, “Justin, please don’t say things that are going to make me think your parents are siblings.”

The entire class lost it.

55. The Last Person

There was once this belligerent black kid who always caused trouble for the teachers. One day, he did his stupid thing of the day and the teacher tells him he’ll need to go to the office if he keeps it up. He starts going off on how all the teachers are racist and how it’s wrong blah blah blah. He then starts quoting MLK saying “I have a dream” and the quiet kid who sits in the back yelled “you do realize the last person who said that got shot” the entire class lost it and the idiot shut the f*ck up for the rest of day.

56. Art Class

I used this one a few years ago in my AP pottery class. I heard it somewhere online. My friend switched into the class and sat at a table, and it wasn’t where I usually sat, but I moved to sit with her. Anyways, this other girl that usually sits there storms in and shouts “you’re in my seat!” I turned to her and with a dead serious face said: “b*tch you can’t even draw on your eyebrows, why are you even in art class?”

57. Be Thankful

I was counting down an employee’s drawer in concession when she says, “Why do you hire ugly and weird people?”

“You know I hired you, right? Maybe be thankful that I do.”

There’s this really long beat and then she just walks really fast to the bathroom. One of the other girls told me she was crying in there and thought I had been rude to her.

It’s the only time I’ve made an employee cry.

58. She Never Did

My friend married a lass I had previously dated in high school. She was a schoolteacher, and he was complaining to me that things weren’t going well in the bedroom.

Friend: “Over and over again, it’s just ‘Not tonight, it’s a school night”

Me: “She never said that to me”.

59. You Breathe

Math class, age about 14/15. We had the worst teacher who let anyone do anything they wanted. I was playing Pokémon on a DS, my friend had his feet on the table, etc. Not a controlled classroom at all.

The annoying girl was singing really off-key and just… Just so very badly. I asked her, nicely, to stop several times. She kept at it, but this time leaning into my face and putting her shitty tinny phone near my ear.

Her, sarcastically: Oh… Sorry. Am I annoying you?

Me, after glancing up at her and turning back to my DS: You annoy me every time you breathe, it’s nothing new.

Most of the people in her social circle laughed about it. The alternative A+ student calling out the popular girl… A lot of them found that funny. I feel kinda bad about it, apparently, it made her pretty self-conscious for a while after.

reddituser

60. Twice a Day

We had a new hire at our firm who finally did something correctly during an audit engagement and started bragging. I looked up at him from my computer and said, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day” and went back to work. He sat in shock for several seconds.

61. Her Time

We’re all at my friend’s parent’s new beach house, but it was a fixer-upper. We couldn’t drive yet so they would put us to work before they’d drive us anywhere, which was maybe a little stingy but fair considering the use we’ve gotten out of it since then. My friend was going to ask his mom for a ride to the beach and he relayed to us their conversation when he returned:

Him: “So I asked her for a ride, and she said who’s gonna do the housework”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So I told her we’d do the dishes and vacuum. So then she said how about gas”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So then I told her we could pay for gas. Then she asked how about my time”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So then I told her her time was worthless.

So I think she’s going to drive us.”

Lankience

62. Your Parents?

I was a manager in a restaurant, and a server was flirting with me for a couple of weeks. This was a very corporate restaurant and I was trying my very best to be a decent human and not mess around with any hourly staff. I had a few moments where I minimized her advances but could feel her coming on stronger and stronger.

One day in the office, while we were alone (doing her checkout), she was laying it on really thick. At the end of the conversation, she asked “When are you taking me to dinner?”

I replied, “Don’t your parents feed you?”

She says that she called me a “mother f*cker” in her head and knew she wanted to be with me forever when she heard that line.

12 years later… been married for years and she still tells the story so I guess it’s gotta be at least one of my best comebacks

63. Whole Life

My sister has been really tall her whole life and was harassed a lot by other kids growing up for being so tall.

The girl asks her for the thousandth time, “how’s the weather up there?”

Sister spits on her and says “it’s raining.”

64. Good Day

I was with a friend about how he was going to come out to his parents and some guy came up to us and started ranting and talking down to my friend. In the middle of the guy talking my friend said: “I’m sorry sir, but it seems like you are trying to engage in a battle of wits with us but I cannot in good conscience fight with someone who is unarmed in this field. Good day sir.”

65. One Day

Back in middle school

Girl: You have boobs

Me (M): Don’t worry, one day you will have them too

Her friends around her burst out laughing, she started crying.

66. Not For You

This honestly probably gets buried but I wanted to share anyway.

My parents first met when mom was freshly divorced and dad was getting divorced. Both are in bad places, and both are sassy as they all get out. Dad had an ‘86 Corvette that he adored, and one day he drove to my mother’s place of work for an interview.

He pulled up in his Corvette, in perfect view of the window where she was sitting. When he walked in, she looked at him and said “I don’t like your car.”

Dad’s response was “Well I didn’t buy it for you.”

They began dating shortly after and had a wonderful time together.

His proposal when his divorce was officially finalized was, “My divorce was finalized today. You have 24 hours to decide if you want to marry me.”

They’ve been married for over 35 years in January.

67. Shoot Him Down

My brother and his friend were at some party and there was a gaggle of hot babes that caught everyone’s attention.

They were both intimidated, but the friend worked up the courage to go up to one of them and say, “Do you want to dance?”

She looked him up and down with a snotty expression on her face, clearly about to shoot him down. She says, “What did you say?”

He goes, “I said you look fat in those pants“

68. Eyebrow Game

Me and some friends went into a gas station convenience store for some snacks once. These two girls outside are arguing (like friends arguing, not hostile). We go in to get our snacks to come out and all of a sudden one of them YELLS,

“You’re just mad that my eyebrow game is stronger than your relationships!”

And that’s the story of how I nearly had an asthma attack for the first time in over 10 years.

reddituser

69. Pretty Great!

I worked with an old cranky guy who always had great comebacks.

He was at a party with his new wife when her ex-husband walked up to him and asked, “So, how’s it feel being married to my used goods?”

My coworker replied, “Well, it’s pretty great once you get past the used part.”

The ex-husband just got a pissed off look on his face and walked away.

70. Condescending Way

My wife and I took our girls out to meet my wife’s side of the family. On our first day staying at her brother’s, he was making everyone breakfast. My daughter who was 8 had us busting up laughing. He was trying to ask her if he needed to make her a plate but he ended up talking to her in a slightly condescending way. So he asks “Do you need me to make your plate for you?” she replied, “No I’ve had food before.” One of the funniest things to happen on the whole trip. Was so good.