The Ultimate Collection of the Most Savage Comebacks Ever

11. The Argument

Back in teenagedom arguing with my mum about chores.

Mum: “you think I should wipe your *ss for you too?”.

Me: “Beats doing it myself!”

Mum: wipes my face

We both laughed so hard that we forgot about the argument.

12. Your Wedding

My sister was getting married and didn’t want to pay hundreds of dollars for a cake. They had already spent upwards of 10G, and it just wasn’t a priority to her. Nobody likes wedding cake anyway. She was going to do a dessert potluck and asked guests to bring a dessert for the table.

I have this “confirmed bachelorette” aunt who dated a guy once in the 70s and has sworn off marriage ever since “because he broke her heart so bad.” We all know the real reason she hasn’t married, but the rest of my family is heavily involved in a very cult-like religion. She is especially involved in said religion.

Stay with me here I promise this is going somewhere.

So my family from out of town are visiting and we all get together at Grandma’s. We have a nice dinner and my sister’s wedding plans come up every once in a while. Eventually, my sister has to explain to someone for some reason that they aren’t having a traditional wedding cake.

The confirmed bachelorette aunt doesn’t like the thought of that one single bit. “You can’t have a wedding without a cake, it’s the reason people go to weddings.” She goes on and on with this crap all night. My sister is obviously getting uncomfortable.

My sister and I were basically raised by our grandmother and I notice my grandma noticing these exchanges. So my grandma, who was passing around plates of fruit and honey (I know, but that’s what we have for dessert sometimes) hands confirmed bachelorette aunt her plate and says, “Well, Linda, when you have your wedding you can have any kind of cake you like.”

I swear to god you could have heard a pin drop. I had to leave the room because the tension and hilarity were too much and I was going to burst out laughing. I love my grandma, she has a lot of these zingers. She always chooses her words carefully.

13. She Turned Around

I teach 16 – 20 years old and one of my students kept insulting a girl. She turned around and with a completely straight face she said: “If you’re not careful, I’ll f*ck your dad and become your stepmom.”

It was unexpected.

14. Senior Year

A line delivered by me…

Dad was boasting about his looks at 65. “the nurses said I looked very good for my age.”

Me: “you were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?”

15. One Cousin

My cousin was in town for Thanksgiving. He goes up to my 10-year-old skinny nephew and jokes “hey, it looks like you are gaining weight.” My 10-year-old cousin without skipping a beat tells him “Hey, it looks like you have diabetes.” My cousin is 300 plus pounds. He hasn’t been back to visit since.

16. She Flipped

Working the seafood counter at the grocery store is a bitch. SOOO many huge orders for the holidays (apparently it is/was a tradition for Italian families?)

One older lady comes in, wearing her fur coat, dripping in shit perfume, and all sorts of jewellery pushing to the front of the line and start yelling her name to get her order.

As soon as I heard the name and saw the lady, I knew it would be a problem. She had placed the order for live Dungeness crabs to be picked up on Monday (I’m forgetting the actual days of the week, but you get the point)

They arrive, then she says she will pick them up Tuesday, then Wednesday. I guess her holiday gathering was moving dates or something. Eventually, she says she will get them on Friday. By the time Friday rolls around, they died. So we cooked them up to at least keep them edible.

So now she barges her way in, expecting live crabs that we already cooked, and I tried to explain it. But she flipped her sh*t, saying we f*cked up, she never changed the date, etc. I showed her the log book (we took orders by hand back then) and I showed her all the pickup dates that were crossed off and the time of the change noted on each.

She continues to freak out. Starts demanding free sh*t to compensate.

The manager walks over to me and says (not so quietly) “Just give her whatever the f*ck she wants and get her out of here.

She blows her top and screams, actually SCREAMS “You don’t F*CK with a 54-year-old woman!!”

Me: “What’s your daughter have to do with this?”

17. My Grandma

The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.

My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”.

And they’ve been happily married ever since.

18. Teacher Always Knew

My friend used to copy my biology homework in high school constantly, and our biology teacher always knew.

One day she hit him with, “Who are you gonna copy from when your flippin burgers at mcdonalds?”

He was burned for days and the class erupted in a synchronized “OOOOOOHHHH!”

19. The Quiet

I was on a weekend camp with a group of girl guides aged 10-13…

We’re eating breakfast one morning and one announces “The quiet is so nice.”

Another immediately snaps, “Don’t ruin it then!”

I pissed myself laughing and then told her off. Too good.

20. Prescription Glasses

One of our friends started dating a girl that totally was not good news for him. We went to dinner with him one day and he asked one of my other friends who had just gotten his first pair of prescription glasses.

Friend with horrible girlfriend: “Why are you wearing glasses nerd?” Friend with glasses: “Because I’m trying to see why you are dating such a shitty girl”

I was in the middle watching them and had to stop eating to just laugh my ass off.

21. More Than You

Standing in line for the cafeteria in high school. Two middle schoolers arguing in front of me. One little smart-*ss hits the other with “I bet you don’t even know how many chromosomes you have.” The other doesn’t even blink before shouting back “More than you!”

I instantly lost my sh*t. Definitely not the smartest comeback, but easily the funniest I’ve heard.

22. The Cinema

When I first went to an R-rated movie, the cinema checked my ID.

My mom and I were talking about it later, and she said “Aww, they asked for your ID? That’s so cute!”

My response is something I’ll always be proud of: “At least they still ask for my ID”

We were in the car at the time, and she had to pull over because she was laughing so hard.

23. Biggest Smile

In 2017, I was doing some shopping on Black Friday at Target. I’m looking at some toys for my nephew when this woman bumps into my cart.

She looks up from her phone, glares at me, and says “Watch where you’re going!”

The guy who saw the whole thing, “She wasn’t even moving you f*cking b*tch.”

I’m not normally confrontational, and I don’t like it when men call women b*tches, but I gave that guy the biggest smile ever. B*tch paled and booked it out of there.

24. Shorter Hair

My mom: “when I was your age, I refused to date any boy whose hair was shorter than mine.”

My dad: “wow, how short was your hair?”

It was just a great comeback! My mom had long hair in the 80s and if a guy had hair shorter than hers, she wasn’t attracted to him. We all know she had long hair so no feelings were hurt.

25. The Accent

These two guys from London used to hang around in Bristol selling bootleg grime CDs and “urban” movies and had great banter with people as they walked by. They called themselves the black gypsies and we’d often see what they had for sale.

This group of girls walked by and one of the guys calls out to them:

“Heeeey ladies”

The group quickly steers away from these guys and one of the girls goes “Nooooo”

And without missing a beat he said “What, you ain’t ladies?!”.

I died right there and so did they. Best timed a comeback and his accent made it all the better

26.

So back when I was in jr high, wearing Aeropostale was a thing, but it was fading out of popularity. I and a buddy were at islands of adventure in FL and we were waiting in line for the dueling dragon’s roller coaster.

As we were next in line to get on the coaster, I heard somebody yelling from on the ride. I looked over and realized some security-selling looking bros were yelling in our direction so I yelled back “what??”

“Aeropostale sucks d*ck!!”

I look over and realize my buddy is wearing an Aeropostale shirt. The ride then starts to exit the tunnel and right as they passed us I yelled back

“Yeah! So does your boyfriend!”

They didn’t like that, but we were gone by the time they came back.

28. How Does it Feel?

The most savage thing I’ve ever said: I talked to my seat neighbor during class, but he didn‘t listen to me.

My professor caught me talking, and asked my neighbor what I was saying, to which he replied: Oh, I don‘t know, I‘m not listening to him

Professor liked to mess with me, so then he asked me: How does it feel when the person you‘re talking to doesn‘t listen?

I looked up at him and replied: Huh?

29. Chairs and a Desk

Professor to a student; “You’re not very far from a fool.”

Student to professor; “No ma’am just two rows of chairs and a desk.” Then standing up left the room and dropped her class.

30. Long After

Heard an apprentice arguing with one of the older tradesmen at work. Tradesmen tell said apprentice he’s been doing this job since before the lad was born. Lad answers ” I’ll still be doing it long after you’re dead”.

Mmartygers

31. ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’

Hard to explain in English but here goes and it’s one of mine:

In Belgium, there are two dialects that get ridiculed the most, one of the coastal province ‘West Vlaams’ and another ‘Limburgs’. I speak the latter.

At a festival, I started chatting with a girl next to me who spoke ‘West Vlaams’. She immediately started making fun of my accent. At first, I kinda ignored it but it kept coming up so we started to have a discussion about it.

‘Limburgs’ is quite a slow dialect so people say everyone who speaks it is dumb. I said we actually speak slowly because it makes it easy to understand. While ‘West Vlaams’ is more like grunting vowels which no one will understand and sounds primitive. She kept dissing Limburgs so I just acted like I didn’t understand anything she was saying because of her dialect. At which point she said in English: ‘whatever floats your boat’. To which I acted surprised and responded: ‘Hey I understood that! .. because it was in English’.

She burst into laughter and was a good sport about it. The dialect didn’t come up afterwards.

32. We Are Miss

Our economics teacher was a complete legend. But one semester he had to take off because he broke his leg badly surfing, so we had a replacement. She was not a legend. One time we were all talking (year 12, so final year of school) and she got sick of us, so she said that we could only talk if it was about the work we were doing, which at the time was to do with the economic impact of unemployment. After about 5 minutes (if that) we started talking about random sh*t again.

My mate was telling us about how his older sister had just had a daughter and he’d gone to meet her the weekend before. We obviously were a bit too loud and the teacher heard us and called out “excuse my table in the middle, it doesn’t sound like you are talking about your work.” without any hesitation, I turned around and said, “of course we are miss, his niece is unemployed.” I didn’t think it was that great of a comeback, but the class lost all their sh*t and one of the guys came up to me after class and said “crazy, you’ve always been a pretty funny guy, but that was hilarious”. I didn’t have much self-confidence at the time so it meant a lot to me.

33. Not Really

In college, the guy next door swaggers over to my room to brag after bringing a girl over for fun.

Neighbor: “Hope we didn’t keep you up.”

Me: “Not for long.”

The poor guy looked defeated as my roommate laughed his *ss off at him.

34. They Are Coming Back

I had recently gone from my natural hair color of dark brown to platinum blonde and my boyfriend and I went to our favorite bar where one of our friends was the security. It’s closing time and he’s telling everyone to leave. I start joking and loudly talking sh*t. Our friend comes back and tells me “(Tabimatha) your roots called. They’re coming back.” My jaw hit the floor and I left trying to hide my hair and my boyfriend is laughing his ass off behind me. I didn’t come back til I got my hair touched up.

35. If You Lied

A friend was at a nightclub and saw a couple of hot girls walk by. He said, “you’re looking beautiful tonight”. One of them looked him up and down and responded with, “I wish I could say the same for you”. Without missing a beat, he comes back with, “you could if you lied like I did!”

36. Better Job

Walking around DC with a group of exchange students (me being one of them) and a chaperone, I drop some unwanted change in a beggar’s cup. The chaperone says: “You shouldn’t give them money to these guys, they make more money than I do!” Me: “Maybe you should get a better job then?”

37. Bossy Tone

During the summer I had an internship at a coworking space. The boss asked me to create and distribute a survey to all companies that work there to collect data for an internal event. Per his request, I added questions for names, emails and phone numbers so that the manager of the coworking space can easily contact everyone when needed. That information was not compulsory, of course, if someone doesn’t feel like sharing. Anyway, there was this woman, probably some boss of whatever company, who came to our office and demanded the age of the person who made the survey. I raised my hand and said I was 19. She then proceeded to smirk and claimed “Make sense!”. After that she continued to irritate the whole office with her bossy tone, teaching me not to ask for other personal information and shit. After 5 minutes of her delivering her “lifetime” speech, I could not take it anymore and simply cut her with “Yes ma’am, I understand. I will take your advice next time.” She stayed silent for a few seconds and then looked down on me, asked: “Which uni do you go to?” with a belittling tone.

So I answered: “That’s also personal information, ma’am.” She immediately shut the f up and then left.

platitudinous_remark

38. Sympathy Gang

I remember in primary school one of the more dramatic girls was crying about f*ck knows what and it was a big deal all the girls were gathered around her talking with her and refusing any guys come over to sympathise with her and one guy, in particular, was rejected entry to the exclusive sympathy gang with a “you wouldn’t understand” and he fired back (loudly enough for all to hear) “Nah I understand, she spent too long looking in a mirror” and the hilarity from everyone, even the girls and girl included, laughed their *sses off. We were all far too young to have ever heard something of such comic genius and breaking from such a serious mood, it was such a great moment. Primary school was the tits.

39. Oh Monday

New guy harassing my buddy at work for missing a Monday.

New guy: What’s up with you missing Monday man? Friend: Oh, didn’t I tell you? New guy: No, what’s up? Friend: Must be none of your f*ckin’ business then.

Poor new guy. Lol.

40. In Agreement

Playing cribbage against my mother.

Mom: You son of a b*tch.

Me: Agreed

My grandmother and I couldn’t stop laughing, took my mom a few seconds to get it.

41. Girl’s Name

Back story, they thought my younger brother was going to be a girl before he was born. I on the other hand came out ass first because of a fall my mam took. We were having a movie night, he was 6 and I was 7. We were talking about how they were going to call him a girl’s name, I was laughing and I said something along the lines of ‘Haha they thought you were a girl’ and instantly, this 6-year-old boy shot back with ‘when you came out, they thought you were an *ss.’ Holy f*ck was that witty for such a young lad. My dad was proud, to say the least.

42. Don’t Mess

Some high society women had a beef, forget who, new york types many moons ago.

Younger woman to older woman, when attending some dinner party and waiting to enter:

Age before beauty.

Older woman:

Pearls before swine.

reddituser

43. Where’s the Son?

I was 18 and working in a bar, this older bloke (50s) had been working hard on letching in at me for a couple of hours. Finally, he and his friend were at the end of the bar and he asked me for my number. Without due consideration for my job, I said ‘Why? Do you have a son?’.

It was 10 years ago and it’s still my favourite comeback.

reddituser

44. Several Days

Some good-looking wrestler kid tells me one day:” Damm dude you are so fat!”

I flatly replied: “Maybe, but I can always go on a diet – you’ll be ugly forever.”

This guy absolutely loses his sh*t and tries to fight me. Luckily I had several large friends around to help me out. I had no idea that someone I considered pretty good-looking (even for a guy; no homo) would be so incredibly insecure about his looks.

Years later in college, we became friends and he told me he cried himself to sleep for several days feeling like the ugliest duckling in high school. I did feel bad when I heard that… but I also wondered why someone so sensitive wouldn’t even consider that calling another person fat was also very hurtful.

45. The Only Guy

I was with a group of guys at work and one of them call me gay. I turned and looked at him and said ” Just because I’m the only guy who hasn’t banged your wife doesn’t make me gay”

46. She Said

Teacher: “you wouldn’t make it into med school with your grades”

My mate: “you’re right miss, I guess I’ll become a teacher”

48. Too Much

Back in the day when I was a goth (Huge Marilyn Manson fan) at a stage where I didn’t know the phrase “more is less” – one of the neighbour kids just looked at me and said;

“I think you’re meant to wear the lipstick not eat it”

Owch.

49. Hottest Place

When I was about 10 years old, I went to Nandos with my friend and her family. My dad always loved chilli and spice so I turn I grew up loving it as well. I remember I ordered the hottest plate of chicken wings and the waiter asked ‘I’m sorry but I’m sure those are far too hot for you and I fired back ‘I’ve had mouthwash hotter than this’

50. It’s English

When I was only in grade school there was a boy in class who was talking loud and cursing frequently, we’ll just call him Billy. The teacher heard him and said “Billy! Watch your language!” and he replied “Why? It’s f*cking English.”

Young me was blown away.

51. 9 Months

I just had this conversation with my sister.

Me: Help mum carry the stuff to the car.

Sister: It’s heavy.

Me: She carried you for 9 months. Surely you could carry that for 5 minutes.

52. Good Enough

Dated a girl ages ago, she wrecked my car picking up her ex from the airport. She lied, I had no clue she was doing that with my car until it all happened. Ended up buying the same car as a replacement as it was just too good a deal to pass up on. Got my windows tinted. She and I still had loosely similar friend groups so we unfortunately eventually crossed paths again. She starts mouthing off and trying to be a d*ck to me and says, “Why would you waste your time doing anything to do up your car like that? It’s just cobalt, they’re pieces of shit. You couldn’t pay me to own one.”

When she wrecked my previous Cobalt, she told her ex it was her car. I instantly snapped back, “Well they’re good enough for you to pretend one is yours so how bad can they be?” She couldn’t even come up with anything to say in response. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

reddituser

53. Different Form

Worked in an office at the front desk. A customer came in and was pissed about the paperwork she had to fill out. She was going on and on about how we were wasting her time and then she said, “You must think I’m retarded.” By pure accident, the following words slipped out of my mouth:

“We have a different form for that if you need it.”

As she began screeching like a banshee, I didn’t say any more. I just went and got my supervisor.

54. They Lost It

In my economics class in high school, we were off-topic discussing a recent basketball game between our school and another school. The other school has a mostly Hispanic student body.

While talking about the game, a student, we’ll call him Justin, says “I like to shout to the other student section ‘Why don’t you guys jump back over the border!'”

Without skipping a beat, my teacher replied, “Justin, please don’t say things that are going to make me think your parents are siblings.”

The entire class lost it.

55. The Last Person

There was once this belligerent black kid who always caused trouble for the teachers. One day, he did his stupid thing of the day and the teacher tells him he’ll need to go to the office if he keeps it up. He starts going off on how all the teachers are racist and how it’s wrong blah blah blah. He then starts quoting MLK saying “I have a dream” and the quiet kid who sits in the back yelled “you do realize the last person who said that got shot” the entire class lost it and the idiot shut the f*ck up for the rest of day.

56. Art Class

I used this one a few years ago in my AP pottery class. I heard it somewhere online. My friend switched into the class and sat at a table, and it wasn’t where I usually sat, but I moved to sit with her. Anyways, this other girl that usually sits there storms in and shouts “you’re in my seat!” I turned to her and with a dead serious face said: “b*tch you can’t even draw on your eyebrows, why are you even in art class?”

57. Be Thankful

I was counting down an employee’s drawer in concession when she says, “Why do you hire ugly and weird people?”

“You know I hired you, right? Maybe be thankful that I do.”

There’s this really long beat and then she just walks really fast to the bathroom. One of the other girls told me she was crying in there and thought I had been rude to her.

It’s the only time I’ve made an employee cry.

58. She Never Did

My friend married a lass I had previously dated in high school. She was a schoolteacher, and he was complaining to me that things weren’t going well in the bedroom.

Friend: “Over and over again, it’s just ‘Not tonight, it’s a school night”

Me: “She never said that to me”.

59. You Breathe

Math class, age about 14/15. We had the worst teacher who let anyone do anything they wanted. I was playing Pokémon on a DS, my friend had his feet on the table, etc. Not a controlled classroom at all.

The annoying girl was singing really off-key and just… Just so very badly. I asked her, nicely, to stop several times. She kept at it, but this time leaning into my face and putting her shitty tinny phone near my ear.

Her, sarcastically: Oh… Sorry. Am I annoying you?

Me, after glancing up at her and turning back to my DS: You annoy me every time you breathe, it’s nothing new.

Most of the people in her social circle laughed about it. The alternative A+ student calling out the popular girl… A lot of them found that funny. I feel kinda bad about it, apparently, it made her pretty self-conscious for a while after.

reddituser

60. Twice a Day

We had a new hire at our firm who finally did something correctly during an audit engagement and started bragging. I looked up at him from my computer and said, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day” and went back to work. He sat in shock for several seconds.

61. Her Time

We’re all at my friend’s parent’s new beach house, but it was a fixer-upper. We couldn’t drive yet so they would put us to work before they’d drive us anywhere, which was maybe a little stingy but fair considering the use we’ve gotten out of it since then. My friend was going to ask his mom for a ride to the beach and he relayed to us their conversation when he returned:

Him: “So I asked her for a ride, and she said who’s gonna do the housework”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So I told her we’d do the dishes and vacuum. So then she said how about gas”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So then I told her we could pay for gas. Then she asked how about my time”

Us: “Yeah?”

Him: “So then I told her her time was worthless.

So I think she’s going to drive us.”

Lankience

62. Your Parents?

I was a manager in a restaurant, and a server was flirting with me for a couple of weeks. This was a very corporate restaurant and I was trying my very best to be a decent human and not mess around with any hourly staff. I had a few moments where I minimized her advances but could feel her coming on stronger and stronger.

One day in the office, while we were alone (doing her checkout), she was laying it on really thick. At the end of the conversation, she asked “When are you taking me to dinner?”

I replied, “Don’t your parents feed you?”

She says that she called me a “mother f*cker” in her head and knew she wanted to be with me forever when she heard that line.

12 years later… been married for years and she still tells the story so I guess it’s gotta be at least one of my best comebacks

63. Whole Life

My sister has been really tall her whole life and was harassed a lot by other kids growing up for being so tall.

The girl asks her for the thousandth time, “how’s the weather up there?”

Sister spits on her and says “it’s raining.”

64. Good Day

I was with a friend about how he was going to come out to his parents and some guy came up to us and started ranting and talking down to my friend. In the middle of the guy talking my friend said: “I’m sorry sir, but it seems like you are trying to engage in a battle of wits with us but I cannot in good conscience fight with someone who is unarmed in this field. Good day sir.”

65. One Day

Back in middle school

Girl: You have boobs

Me (M): Don’t worry, one day you will have them too

Her friends around her burst out laughing, she started crying.

66. Not For You

This honestly probably gets buried but I wanted to share anyway.

My parents first met when mom was freshly divorced and dad was getting divorced. Both are in bad places, and both are sassy as they all get out. Dad had an ‘86 Corvette that he adored, and one day he drove to my mother’s place of work for an interview.

He pulled up in his Corvette, in perfect view of the window where she was sitting. When he walked in, she looked at him and said “I don’t like your car.”

Dad’s response was “Well I didn’t buy it for you.”

They began dating shortly after and had a wonderful time together.

His proposal when his divorce was officially finalized was, “My divorce was finalized today. You have 24 hours to decide if you want to marry me.”

They’ve been married for over 35 years in January.

67. Shoot Him Down

My brother and his friend were at some party and there was a gaggle of hot babes that caught everyone’s attention.

They were both intimidated, but the friend worked up the courage to go up to one of them and say, “Do you want to dance?”

She looked him up and down with a snotty expression on her face, clearly about to shoot him down. She says, “What did you say?”

He goes, “I said you look fat in those pants“

68. Eyebrow Game

Me and some friends went into a gas station convenience store for some snacks once. These two girls outside are arguing (like friends arguing, not hostile). We go in to get our snacks to come out and all of a sudden one of them YELLS,

“You’re just mad that my eyebrow game is stronger than your relationships!”

And that’s the story of how I nearly had an asthma attack for the first time in over 10 years.

reddituser

69. Pretty Great!

I worked with an old cranky guy who always had great comebacks.

He was at a party with his new wife when her ex-husband walked up to him and asked, “So, how’s it feel being married to my used goods?”

My coworker replied, “Well, it’s pretty great once you get past the used part.”

The ex-husband just got a pissed off look on his face and walked away.

70. Condescending Way

My wife and I took our girls out to meet my wife’s side of the family. On our first day staying at her brother’s, he was making everyone breakfast. My daughter who was 8 had us busting up laughing. He was trying to ask her if he needed to make her a plate but he ended up talking to her in a slightly condescending way. So he asks “Do you need me to make your plate for you?” she replied, “No I’ve had food before.” One of the funniest things to happen on the whole trip. Was so good.