29. Thought I was Happy
I was sexually assaulted in college. I went through the school’s horrible reporting process. The dean of students tried to have a “man-to-man” conversation with my assailant during the hearing, and I wasn’t able to have my attorney speak for me. I had to cross-examine my sexual assailant myself. The school found him responsible but didn’t kick him off campus. Instead, he got a one-day program on consent as his punishment. It was horrible.
I tried to be a normal person, even though I lived within one square mile of my sexual assailant for two years and I was generally a mess. I would see him all the time. I relied heavily on a group of women in the women’s center and the director of the center. They were my lifeline when I wasn’t in therapy twice per week.
There was one person I was very close to. We can call her W. She had been through some tough stuff too. She encouraged me as I started to date someone, who we’ll call C, and regain some remote semblance of normality. What I didn’t know was that C was (credibly) accused of rape right before we started to date. W knew about it because her boyfriend helped the victim report anonymously, but didn’t tell me because she thought I was happy for the first time in a long time.”
I actually struggled throughout the entire relationship. C would guilt me into having sex with him, and it devolved into other unhealthy things. Before and during the relationship, W told everyone in the women’s center about the report of the rape involving C. It was apparently a frequent topic of conversation, despite the fact that confidentiality is supposed to practiced VERY strictly regarding rape reports so that the victim is protected from possible retaliation.
When I finally made the decision to break up with C, I called W to tell her. She then casually offered something that she thought would help me break up with him: he was reported for raping someone right before we started dating (and she identified the victim to me), and told me that no one told me because they didn’t want me to be unhappy. All of the people in the women’s center broke confidentiality to tell each other about it, but apparently, they didn’t consider the one person who didn’t know their own safety was at risk every minute with C. W then said in an effort to justify the everything, “but it’s okay, you taught him how to have a consensual relationship.” I ended the phone call and found myself in the worst depths of depression for days. I decided to cut all of those people involved out of my life. What kind of friends doesn’t make reasonable efforts to look out for my personal safety?