People Share Their Hilarious ‘Eureka’ Moment of Dating an Idiot

The Dirty Truth

When she walked out of the bathroom right after flushing and when I asked “Did you wash your hands?” She replied in all seriousness “I don’t have to, I didn’t touch anything”… b*tch I know I closed that toiled lid when I was done. The splash from the flush covered it in icky. I just said “Wash your hands please” and she threw a fit. She was 22. I was 27. It will be the last relationship in which I feel like a babysitter.

Mind The Gap

When she told me that she’d never been to France. I knew for a fact she went to Disneyland Paris every year.

“Paris isn’t in France!” She insisted.

We live in the UK, not USA or somewhere else. You can literally drive to France.

Milk, Not Myths

I dated a guy for about a month until I found out that he didn’t realize that women’s breasts made actual milk to feed their babies. He thought “breastfeeding” was just a way to hold a baby while giving it a bottle.

I told him he was an idiot and he said, with a disgusted sneer, “I didn’t know that because I have never known any woman, who had or would, breastfeed their child.”

I told him that I had breastfed my son and he called me a child molester.

Extracurricular Lies

In high school, I was in an extracurricular program after school. There was one portion of it that was pretty much all girls. I dated a girl from this portion all throughout high school. I went to all of their events and helped out. I always wondered why none of the other girls or their parents really talked to me. Right before we graduated I brought it up to her and she told me that she told all of them that I was physically and verbally abusive all the time. When I asked her why she told me it was so no one else would steal me away from her. I broke up with her shortly after.

csmaverick34

Man With No Understanding

I started having panic attacks a year into our relationship. They were really bad. Thanks to an intervention from a friend, I started going to therapy for it.

Him: stare ‘Why do you need therapy?’

Me: ‘For my panic attacks.’

Him: ‘Oh, that. That’s just you being a girl. ‘

Me: ‘I hyperventilated and rocked back and forth for an hour in the middle of the street that one time, remember? That is not normal behaviour.’

Him: ‘Yeah, all girls are crazy. It can’t be helped.’

400 Degrees of Confusion

He was trying to make cookies and kept opening the oven for extended periods of time, letting out all the heat. When I told him he was letting all the heat out by opening the door wide open and staring at the cookies, he told me I didn’t know how ovens work because the temp setter said 400 so it was 400. Took an hour to bake 1 sheet of cookies and said “I don’t know why it’s taking so long.”

Not Good-Date Material

Met this woman on a dating site, (30s) talk on the phone briefly passed each other’s phone test (kind of thought it was weird she referred to me as her boyfriend right away) but she was good-looking.

Agreed to meet for lunch that afternoon, art gallery and drinks. Not engaging at all, she talked about very superficial things with not much depth either and didn’t ask what I did for a living or anything else personal about me. The kicker came when I tested her to see if she actually was listening to what I was saying because I had the feeling she wasn’t so I threw in “I was addicted to heroin for 5 years and I’m 1 year sober “Without blinking an eye like I was talking about my favourite colour” oh ya.” Every opinion she had she would end with literally “agree?” and I had to say yes or no. Inappropriate talk about her parent’s sexual escapades on the first date, then told me she was a blue baby, never hearing the term I asked what that meant, infant deprived of oxygen at birth for a period of time. Then it clicked.

She was good-looking, had a great body and she wanted to come back to my place but it felt like I was dealing with someone who was shy a couple of points from the severely mentally challenged spectrum, and that was our first and last date.

Felt bad for her, because someone is going to take advantage of her.

reddituser

The Ultimate Comeback

Had a girlfriend that tends to throw fits for everything.

One day she spotted me on a restaurant’s terrace on my campus having lunch with a lady. She came storming in like a fireball, started to scream at me, started to insult that poor lady she said was old enough to be my mother (come on, you understand already how could she not) and all.

When she finished I just said “So Mom, this is X, my ex-girlfriend”

My mom still brags about the fact that my ex believed she could pull a guy my age. At least she took it the right way lol

The Check Is A Lie

My ex was selling a computer on Craigslist and almost got caught in one of those scams where they send you a check for a much larger amount and have you cash it and send some of the money back to them. He went as far as to get the check mailed to him and asked me to take him to the bank. I insisted that it was a scam and even looked it up online to show him other examples. He still insisted on going to the bank. When we get there I have him tell the teller the story of how he obtained this check. Of course, the guy says it’s a scam, but even then, he still doubted everyone and I know to this day he still regrets not cashing that check.

Burnt Garlic, Burnt Relationship

After many failed attempts to teach him to cook(my mom was a chef so it’s not like he had reason to doubt my advice) I walked into the kitchen where he was preparing us a steak dinner. He had the pan on the stove, heat on high, steaks unwrapped and was cutting up some veggies with his back turned to the stove. I politely asked him if he had seasoned the meat yet, to which he replied “Yeah I seasoned the pan”. That’s when I noticed the burning garlic salt and pepper infusing with my well-maintained 50yr old cast iron pan. Oh and when I tried to say something about it, he started arguing about how it was the same thing and it was no big deal but that he’d “try it my way next time”.

Not the Same Thing

I live in Tennessee and while in college I dated a girl from Southwest VA. She was “from the sticks” if you will. She lived in the dorms, and during the first week of school, some of the more “social” ladies had gathered in the lobby to pretty much just be loud. They were laughing and shouting back and forth about how they were going to the “Drag Show” for a girls’ night out. My girlfriend at the time perked up, saying “Oh man, I’ve always wanted to go to a drag show.” While I didn’t really care one way or the other, I couldn’t understand her enthusiasm about going to a drag show considering that her family was extremely religious and she was about as homophobic as they come. Either way, she joins in and rides with one of the girls.

About an hour later, I get a phone call. She is so upset, asking me to come to get her “Right now!” She said that she left and was at the gas station across the street… and made a big point to tell me that she wasn’t “where I expected her to be.” Now there’s only one location in my town where you can find a “drag show,” so I knew exactly where she was.

She thought they were going to the Drag Races. Our university is about 35 minutes from Bristol Motor Speedway / Bristol Dragway, so she just assumed that’s where they were going. It wasn’t until they pulled into the club that she finally realized what they meant.

Breaking Up Was Easy

He was telling me about how awful his parents were and told me how they threatened to “put him on the slow boat to China” when he was younger. I tried to explain to him that it was just an expression, but he would just not believe me no matter how much I argued. This guy who was in his late 30s was adamant that they meant an actual slow boat to China. He told me that his brother was mentally slow because they’d put him on one as a child. Things quickly spiraled downward after that and I have never been so ashamed to have dated someone than I am of him. That relationship was the easiest I’ve ever ended, there was very little guilt. He ended up stalking me and making me feel unsafe for a year afterwards.

moonshinemicky

Frozen In Horror

I’d been dating this girl for a year and a half, it was a really hot summer day and I think the AC was broken or was just sh*t, so she came up with the idea to hang out in her basement which would be cooler. It was unfinished, and completely empty, like not a single thing down there except a washer, dryer, and a deep freezer. We talked for a bit, but there was that feeling like she wanted to tell me something but kept chickening out. After a while, we moved closer and closer to the washer/dryer area, and finally, she goes “I want to show you something,” and opens the freezer and takes out something in a shopping bag, unwraps it, and it was a f*cking cat. She then tells me “This is the freezer where I keep my old family pets, sometimes I come down here and talk to them, and they tell me the future”

Love In Orbit

I used to operate satellites (sending commands etc) and I was seeing this girl. I’d see her a few times a week and on weekends. She knew what I did and one day said “How do you get up there every day?”

I said “…huh??” and she had a bewildered look on her face and I followed up with, “You think I fly to space every day, manually fix a satellite, fly back down and come see you before 5 pm?”

She got flustered and red and said “Well, I don’t know! How am I supposed to know”

Dehydrated and Dumped

My girlfriend at the time had recently been hospitalized for dehydration. After going to the store and buying several different items that are hydrating. She then admits to not liking water, the taste, its different tastes through lemon, or whatever else. I realized I was dating a complete idiot. I vacuumed and cleaned her place, and never went back.

Ripleyyyy

Fairies and Hidden Powers

I thought this girl was very pretty that I worked with so I asked her out. Two weeks in I could tell her views didn’t quite line up with mine but we hadn’t really had super in-depth conversations because we were mainly spending our time being physical. One day I brought up how I was very interested in reading about conspiracy theories and it sent her off on her beliefs. Aside from being far from articulate she got very hyped up about how she 100% believed unicorns and fairies were real and she knew for a fact they were running our government. She was Christian but had never read the Bible but knew it all to be completely true. Dinosaurs were placed by Satan to confuse humans and confuse us. When I talked to her about physics and subatomic particles she had no idea what I was talking about and said the things I was talking about weren’t real and I had been “wash brained” (her words). When we texted she couldn’t spell 50% of our conversations. She told me we were destined to be together and it was true love. Apparently, she was supposed to be my guide on how to use the powers that were hidden inside my soul. Sex was spectacular but I ended it after the unicorn conversation.

Sticking to His Guns

We were in the car listening to the radio when the host starts talking to a vet about administering animal first aid (BBC Radio 2, in case you’re wondering- they cover a lot of things unrelated to music) She explains that many dogs are injured or killed each year by people throwing sticks for them to fetch, as the sticks can splinter and injure their mouth and/or throat. She recommended a dog toy instead. The boyfriend immediately goes off on one, saying dogs have chased sticks for millions of years and that no dog has ever died from it. I point out that the vet on the radio just described several instances where dogs had died. He continued shouting about “political correctness gone mad”. I said again that she’s a vet, she’s clearly seen these injuries enough times to notice a pattern and warn people about stick danger. He decided it was a “conspiracy” designed to sell dog toys rather than good old-fashioned, low-cost sticks. I pointed out that vets can charge a lot more for life-saving stick removal surgery than a dog toy, and that the vet hadn’t even recommended a specific brand. Nope- sticks are great for playing fetch and all dog owners should throw sticks. He was SO ANGRY. We didn’t even have a dog.

LaMaupindAubigny

Maxed Out And Confused

Dated a girl who thought it was a good idea to keep her credit cards maxed. She legitimately thought that by having her credit cards maxed she would be in less debt than if she kept them at 0 balance. This girl is a teacher. Thank goodness they don’t teach about credit or finances in school.

When Laziness Takes Over

I was 12 weeks pregnant, working two jobs with a schedule of 5 days a week. He had one job and worked from 6 am-3:30 pm 5 days a week He played video games the rest of the time. I still had to clean the house.

I asked him to take my clean work shirts out of the dryer and fold them because I needed them for the next day. The next day I can’t find them. Not in the dryer, not in the dresser, they just disappeared. Finally, after tearing apart the house, I find them in the bottom of a basket of dirty clothes by the washer and dryer. He had taken all the dirty clothes out of the basket, taken my shirts out of the dryer, put them in the bottom of the basket and put the dirty clothes back in. Simply because he didn’t want to fold them. There were 5 work shirts in that dryer. I bet it took him longer to do that than to just fold the d*mn shirts.

I later found out he was throwing my nice silverware away because he didn’t want to wash them.

wearywoman

FB Argument That Ended It All

Totally normal girl. Dated her for three months and never touched the idea of politics or anything like that, I honestly really liked her and probably would have continued dating her. She had a college degree and ran the finances at her dad’s bakery.

Then I saw her get into a Facebook argument with some guy and it turns out she legitimately believes in the Nazi Gay Illuminati which directly controls the Rothschild family through mind control, who apparently controls the federal reserve. She also thinks magic is real, and that there is evidence hidden in North Korea that shows the magical connection between the Illuminati and the High Jews (Rothschild, George Soros etc). She was basically screaming at this guy, calling him stupid for not already knowing these things.

Kiss Of Death

We had just started dating. We took a road trip through the California desert on a hot summer day. I pulled into a gas station to fuel up. I start pumping gas and she walks up to me, lights up a cigarette and tries to give me a kiss. I freaked out and yelled what the f*ck are you doing!? Put that sh*t out! And she looked at me like I had betrayed her, and asked “what are you so worried about?”. Dying in a gas explosion I said. Then she laughed and called me a p*ssy.

DEATHBYREGGAEHORN

Oil Change or Werewolf Sighting?

My ex told me I needed an oil change. I told him he was right, but how did he know? He told me all those splats on my windshield were oil splashes, and if I didn’t get my oil changed soon I’d run out. I laughed, thinking he was joking, and told him they were bug splats. He said, “I’ve worked on cars longer than you…I know what I’m talking about”. WTF.

So I had to test that logic. I excitedly exclaimed, “Babe, I saw a werewolf today!” He said, “Are you sure it wasn’t a coyote?” I said, “I’ve lived in AZ longer than you. I know what I’m talking about”. He actually thought about it for a second, shrugged in agreement, and said “Huh. That’s freaking cool!”

One Drop to Rule Them All

He told me he had a lot of “inventions” and how rich he will be when one sells. I asked him to tell me more. He says his best “invention” is eye drops that (with just one application mind you) eliminate the need for eyeglasses. The guy is a mailman. Not a doctor. Not a scientist. And he wears glasses. So I said, “if these eye drops work why do you wear glasses?” The eye drops don’t exist yet. But when someone else actually formulates these fantasy eye drops my mailman friend thinks he will get the money because he “invented” them by dreaming them up.

Sugar Mama Rejection

Dated a man for 7 years long distance (only about an hour drive so not too long distance). I always knew he was bad with money, had terrible credit and wasn’t terribly responsible but I didn’t know how bad till in the span of one week, he got his car repossessed, got evicted and got his identity stolen. He had given his tax returns to a guy he met at a bar who said he was a CPA. Note this is a grown 40-year-old man.

This wasn’t what made me think he was an idiot. When he told me he was moving back in with his mother, I offered him to move in with me (unlike him, I am good with money and also work in a lucrative field) and that I’d essentially be his sugar mama as long as he worked out a plan to get into financial shape.

He said no. I said bye.

But it really became clear when he came back saying he changed his mind five months later.

That Cost Him A Girlfriend

I was seeing a guy who dated one of my friends. We were out one night and ran into this friend, and he was being all weird about it telling me how much he liked him and how awkward it is when he wasn’t opposed to it prior to coming out. He KNEW my friend would be there. So, I didn’t know he did this, but we went outside for a smoke and he decided to text my friend asking him to drive him home when I took him there in the first place. That’s when I realized I was dating an idiot and dumped him when I found out.

reddituser

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice

I was seeing this extremely attractive girl who would’ve normally been out of my league. Whatever, better to be lucky than good, right? We’d been on a few dates, and I took her to a restaurant.
Halfway through the meal, she takes a sugar packet from the table and puts it in her purse. I asked her what she was doing. “I collect sugar packets from restaurants I like. See?” And then from her purse, she pulls out about 20 sugar packets. And they’re ALL THE F*CKING SAME. They weren’t matchbooks, no names or logos, just a pile of white sugar packets. She then spent the next few minutes unsuccessful in trying to identify which packet was from which restaurant. I can’t say I noped out of there, but it was an “ah-ha” moment.

One Man’s Grudge

He said that when he was in college majoring in engineering he saw another student cheat during an exam. He reported it to the professor and the department but nothing was done…..so he changed universities and refused to major in engineering. He said it was because when the cheater wasn’t punished it proved the field of engineering was amoral.

I was pretty sure he’d just washed out of engineering and was trying to make more out of it. Or he was crazy. Maybe both.

Ocean2731

Dialing For Trouble

He called 911 from my home phone and then hung up. The 911 operator called back, and I answered, she asks if someone had called 911 from the residence. I then ask him if he had dialed 911, and he said yes. I told the operator that someone did but it was an accident (it wasn’t, he was just f’ing around on the phone). The operator asks to speak with the person who called. He didn’t want to get on the line so they sent over an officer who then had to scold us about how he had to take time away for more important matters. I was livid.

The Hot Seat

She got mad at me because, after telling me that one of her favourite singers was super hot and asking me which famous person I’d think is attractive, I actually answered the question. After a huge fight, she said this, literally:

“I’m a jealous person. If I ask you about who you think is attractive, don’t say anything.”

Weeks later, she accused me of hiding something when she asked me, again, who I thought was hot on TV.

reddituser

Rolling In The Deep End

We were playing board games, and she would continually drop the dice so high that they would roll off the table. I asked her if she could roll them softer, and she snapped at me (in front of my friends): “I can’t! No one taught me how to roll dice as a child!”.

After that moment, she would always roll them in a box and would preface starting a board game to everyone about why she can only roll dice with a box. It’s like she physically couldn’t roll dice without dropping them, which to this day still puzzles me why I didn’t end it right there and then.

The Final Straw

Got home after a long 12-hour day at work, and she says that someone is coming over to talk to us. She told them to show up after I got home.

I was tired. I had a long day. I figured it was important, so I said “Sure, why?”

She found one of those fake scratch lottery tickets in the mail. Scam artists used to use those here to get you to pay stupid amounts of money for a $10 water purifier or whatever, with promises of a winning prize if you bought it. She actually thought she won something and had given them our address, phone numbers, etc.

I told her if they showed up, they’d be out on their a**es, along with her. She called them off, but we were done not that long after that. She had done more stupid stuff but they were tolerable. This was the tip of the iceberg.

topcorjor

Sunscreen Shaming

She got upset and accused me of being weak whenever I put on sunscreen. She often got so sunburned that she would be incapacitated for days and get genuinely sick.

Apparently, she moved to Wisconsin (from California) a few months ago for grad school. I guess she won’t need sunscreen if she’s indoors for most of the year.

reddituser

Lost In Translation

I mentioned that I might be interested in learning to speak Italian. He kind of scoffed and said, “Why would you need to learn Italian? That’s EASY!” Very confused, I said, “What?? Why do you think it’s so easy??” He said, “Italian is just American with an accent!” (Yes, he called it “American”, not English.) Took me a few beats and then I realized – he thought an Italian ACCENT was the actual language! Like, he thought “I’m-a gonna eat-a the spaghetti and-a meat-a-balls” was actual Italian. I could barely get the words out to explain to him how wrong he was because I was literally on the floor helpless, clutching my stomach and laughing – I could not stop for at least a full 10 minutes. He was so mad at me for laughing at him but Jesus Christ, how could I not?? Later that day I snuck his phone and changed his ringtone to that Family Guy bit where Peter is talking jibberish to the Italian guy, thinking he’s speaking Italian – “Babada boopie? Beebada boobada babada!” He did not appreciate that, either.

An Open Door Policy

He keeps leaving the screen door open while he goes outside to water his plants and let the dog do his thing, and so on. As a consequence, we end up with hundreds of flies in the house. I have asked him time and again to close the door, and he refuses, saying that he is “watching the door and doesn’t see any bugs going inside.” I am married to him.

Spaghetti Trees

My sister (24) and her boyfriend (33) were eating dinner with my parents. He remarked on how interesting it was that pasta grew in so many different shapes.

My mom assumed he was joking. But my dad stopped eating and said, “You have a tree-trimming business. WHEN have you seen pasta growing on a tree??” He said “Well they don’t grow here. Probably in like Italy or something.”

Annnnnd she 3 years later she is still dating him.

No Fish, No Swim

She was a competitive swimmer. As she started to get more into it, she told me that she didn’t want to eat fish anymore, because as a swimmer, she identified strongly with them, and that eating them would be like eating family or a friend.

I told her that there were lots of fish that ate other fish and that I didn’t understand why not eating them was a part of identifying with them. She told me that I was a jerk for not letting her believe whatever she wanted.

I think everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but you should at least be able to coherently express and explain it, and it being asked questions about it makes you angry, maybe you should stop having that opinion. Also, that particular opinion was stupid.

A Mad Scientist?

I came home from running errands one evening to him running out of our fenced backyard to grab the hose with a look of panic on his face. He yelled for me to grab the fire extinguisher.

He’s pretty calm and collected so to see him riled up means sh*t’s going down.

So I grab the fire extinguisher out of the garage and run out into the backyard where there is a huge fire burning in a pile of leaves up against the fence.

We manage to rake it away from the fence and hose it down enough that it was under control. Finally got the chance to ask him why the f*ck the fence was on fire.

He tells me that he was making some rockets and wanted to test one so he put it in a vice and it took off.

God dammit, you know how to make f*cking rocket fuel out of raw ingredients but you can’t figure out a test jig and f*ck near burn down our house.

8 god d*mn years we’ve been married. It hasn’t gotten better.

Locked In The Basement

My ex called me in a panic because she had locked herself inside her basement. I walked her through using her phone as a light even though she was too petrified to move. I calmed her down and talked her through the process of opening the storm doors from the inside. (there is a latch) I needed to provide a picture of a latch in order to convince her of what she should be looking for.

The entire process from convincing her to move to the other side of her basement to opening the door was about a half hour of steady negotiation on my part. After she got out she described it as the most terrifying experience of her life. She also apparently had the key the entire time but forgot because she was too busy panicking.

Biting and Screaming

I dated a girl once that would regularly comment on how smart I am. I thought it was really nice and she was super sweet… then we had a conversation about why the sky is blue.

She insisted that it was because sunlight hit the ocean and reflected the blue color of the water onto the sky. I explained that it’s because of a phenomenon known as Rayleigh scattering and I started to go into detail about what it was when she screamed about how wrong I am and how she just knew she was right about the ocean being the reason why.

I said that I’d show her my phone and she proceeded to bite my hand and then stomp on my phone after I dropped it before screeching at me, “IT’S THE OCEAN!”.

I literally ran away. I can tolerate involuntary stupidity, I can’t tolerate willful ignorance.

“Spices” Up His Life

My ex pepper sprayed himself in the mouth. This other guy was basically the leader of the friend group, and he sprayed a tiny bit in his own mouth, held back his reaction and instead just kinda shrugged and was like “egh, that’s not so bad” hoping someone would be really stupid. My ex was so willing to be the dumb one and immediately grabbed the pepper spray and sprayed a pretty major amount in his mouth. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t end up in the hospital.

Terradactyl87