People Share Their Hilarious ‘Eureka’ Moment of Dating an Idiot

The Hot Seat

She got mad at me because, after telling me that one of her favourite singers was super hot and asking me which famous person I’d think is attractive, I actually answered the question. After a huge fight, she said this, literally:

“I’m a jealous person. If I ask you about who you think is attractive, don’t say anything.”

Weeks later, she accused me of hiding something when she asked me, again, who I thought was hot on TV.

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Rolling In The Deep End

We were playing board games, and she would continually drop the dice so high that they would roll off the table. I asked her if she could roll them softer, and she snapped at me (in front of my friends): “I can’t! No one taught me how to roll dice as a child!”.

After that moment, she would always roll them in a box and would preface starting a board game to everyone about why she can only roll dice with a box. It’s like she physically couldn’t roll dice without dropping them, which to this day still puzzles me why I didn’t end it right there and then.

The Final Straw

Got home after a long 12-hour day at work, and she says that someone is coming over to talk to us. She told them to show up after I got home.

I was tired. I had a long day. I figured it was important, so I said “Sure, why?”

She found one of those fake scratch lottery tickets in the mail. Scam artists used to use those here to get you to pay stupid amounts of money for a $10 water purifier or whatever, with promises of a winning prize if you bought it. She actually thought she won something and had given them our address, phone numbers, etc.

I told her if they showed up, they’d be out on their a**es, along with her. She called them off, but we were done not that long after that. She had done more stupid stuff but they were tolerable. This was the tip of the iceberg.

topcorjor

Sunscreen Shaming

She got upset and accused me of being weak whenever I put on sunscreen. She often got so sunburned that she would be incapacitated for days and get genuinely sick.

Apparently, she moved to Wisconsin (from California) a few months ago for grad school. I guess she won’t need sunscreen if she’s indoors for most of the year.

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Lost In Translation

I mentioned that I might be interested in learning to speak Italian. He kind of scoffed and said, “Why would you need to learn Italian? That’s EASY!” Very confused, I said, “What?? Why do you think it’s so easy??” He said, “Italian is just American with an accent!” (Yes, he called it “American”, not English.) Took me a few beats and then I realized – he thought an Italian ACCENT was the actual language! Like, he thought “I’m-a gonna eat-a the spaghetti and-a meat-a-balls” was actual Italian. I could barely get the words out to explain to him how wrong he was because I was literally on the floor helpless, clutching my stomach and laughing – I could not stop for at least a full 10 minutes. He was so mad at me for laughing at him but Jesus Christ, how could I not?? Later that day I snuck his phone and changed his ringtone to that Family Guy bit where Peter is talking jibberish to the Italian guy, thinking he’s speaking Italian – “Babada boopie? Beebada boobada babada!” He did not appreciate that, either.

An Open Door Policy

He keeps leaving the screen door open while he goes outside to water his plants and let the dog do his thing, and so on. As a consequence, we end up with hundreds of flies in the house. I have asked him time and again to close the door, and he refuses, saying that he is “watching the door and doesn’t see any bugs going inside.” I am married to him.

Spaghetti Trees

My sister (24) and her boyfriend (33) were eating dinner with my parents. He remarked on how interesting it was that pasta grew in so many different shapes.

My mom assumed he was joking. But my dad stopped eating and said, “You have a tree-trimming business. WHEN have you seen pasta growing on a tree??” He said “Well they don’t grow here. Probably in like Italy or something.”

Annnnnd she 3 years later she is still dating him.

No Fish, No Swim

She was a competitive swimmer. As she started to get more into it, she told me that she didn’t want to eat fish anymore, because as a swimmer, she identified strongly with them, and that eating them would be like eating family or a friend.

I told her that there were lots of fish that ate other fish and that I didn’t understand why not eating them was a part of identifying with them. She told me that I was a jerk for not letting her believe whatever she wanted.

I think everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but you should at least be able to coherently express and explain it, and it being asked questions about it makes you angry, maybe you should stop having that opinion. Also, that particular opinion was stupid.

A Mad Scientist?

I came home from running errands one evening to him running out of our fenced backyard to grab the hose with a look of panic on his face. He yelled for me to grab the fire extinguisher.

He’s pretty calm and collected so to see him riled up means sh*t’s going down.

So I grab the fire extinguisher out of the garage and run out into the backyard where there is a huge fire burning in a pile of leaves up against the fence.

We manage to rake it away from the fence and hose it down enough that it was under control. Finally got the chance to ask him why the f*ck the fence was on fire.

He tells me that he was making some rockets and wanted to test one so he put it in a vice and it took off.

God dammit, you know how to make f*cking rocket fuel out of raw ingredients but you can’t figure out a test jig and f*ck near burn down our house.

8 god d*mn years we’ve been married. It hasn’t gotten better.

Locked In The Basement

My ex called me in a panic because she had locked herself inside her basement. I walked her through using her phone as a light even though she was too petrified to move. I calmed her down and talked her through the process of opening the storm doors from the inside. (there is a latch) I needed to provide a picture of a latch in order to convince her of what she should be looking for.

The entire process from convincing her to move to the other side of her basement to opening the door was about a half hour of steady negotiation on my part. After she got out she described it as the most terrifying experience of her life. She also apparently had the key the entire time but forgot because she was too busy panicking.

Biting and Screaming

I dated a girl once that would regularly comment on how smart I am. I thought it was really nice and she was super sweet… then we had a conversation about why the sky is blue.

She insisted that it was because sunlight hit the ocean and reflected the blue color of the water onto the sky. I explained that it’s because of a phenomenon known as Rayleigh scattering and I started to go into detail about what it was when she screamed about how wrong I am and how she just knew she was right about the ocean being the reason why.

I said that I’d show her my phone and she proceeded to bite my hand and then stomp on my phone after I dropped it before screeching at me, “IT’S THE OCEAN!”.

I literally ran away. I can tolerate involuntary stupidity, I can’t tolerate willful ignorance.

“Spices” Up His Life

My ex pepper sprayed himself in the mouth. This other guy was basically the leader of the friend group, and he sprayed a tiny bit in his own mouth, held back his reaction and instead just kinda shrugged and was like “egh, that’s not so bad” hoping someone would be really stupid. My ex was so willing to be the dumb one and immediately grabbed the pepper spray and sprayed a pretty major amount in his mouth. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t end up in the hospital.

Terradactyl87