People Share Their Hilarious ‘Eureka’ Moment of Dating an Idiot

Kiss Of Death

We had just started dating. We took a road trip through the California desert on a hot summer day. I pulled into a gas station to fuel up. I start pumping gas and she walks up to me, lights up a cigarette and tries to give me a kiss. I freaked out and yelled what the f*ck are you doing!? Put that sh*t out! And she looked at me like I had betrayed her, and asked “what are you so worried about?”. Dying in a gas explosion I said. Then she laughed and called me a p*ssy.

DEATHBYREGGAEHORN

Oil Change or Werewolf Sighting?

My ex told me I needed an oil change. I told him he was right, but how did he know? He told me all those splats on my windshield were oil splashes, and if I didn’t get my oil changed soon I’d run out. I laughed, thinking he was joking, and told him they were bug splats. He said, “I’ve worked on cars longer than you…I know what I’m talking about”. WTF.

So I had to test that logic. I excitedly exclaimed, “Babe, I saw a werewolf today!” He said, “Are you sure it wasn’t a coyote?” I said, “I’ve lived in AZ longer than you. I know what I’m talking about”. He actually thought about it for a second, shrugged in agreement, and said “Huh. That’s freaking cool!”

One Drop to Rule Them All

He told me he had a lot of “inventions” and how rich he will be when one sells. I asked him to tell me more. He says his best “invention” is eye drops that (with just one application mind you) eliminate the need for eyeglasses. The guy is a mailman. Not a doctor. Not a scientist. And he wears glasses. So I said, “if these eye drops work why do you wear glasses?” The eye drops don’t exist yet. But when someone else actually formulates these fantasy eye drops my mailman friend thinks he will get the money because he “invented” them by dreaming them up.

Sugar Mama Rejection

Dated a man for 7 years long distance (only about an hour drive so not too long distance). I always knew he was bad with money, had terrible credit and wasn’t terribly responsible but I didn’t know how bad till in the span of one week, he got his car repossessed, got evicted and got his identity stolen. He had given his tax returns to a guy he met at a bar who said he was a CPA. Note this is a grown 40-year-old man.

This wasn’t what made me think he was an idiot. When he told me he was moving back in with his mother, I offered him to move in with me (unlike him, I am good with money and also work in a lucrative field) and that I’d essentially be his sugar mama as long as he worked out a plan to get into financial shape.

He said no. I said bye.

But it really became clear when he came back saying he changed his mind five months later.

That Cost Him A Girlfriend

I was seeing a guy who dated one of my friends. We were out one night and ran into this friend, and he was being all weird about it telling me how much he liked him and how awkward it is when he wasn’t opposed to it prior to coming out. He KNEW my friend would be there. So, I didn’t know he did this, but we went outside for a smoke and he decided to text my friend asking him to drive him home when I took him there in the first place. That’s when I realized I was dating an idiot and dumped him when I found out.

reddituser

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice

I was seeing this extremely attractive girl who would’ve normally been out of my league. Whatever, better to be lucky than good, right? We’d been on a few dates, and I took her to a restaurant.
Halfway through the meal, she takes a sugar packet from the table and puts it in her purse. I asked her what she was doing. “I collect sugar packets from restaurants I like. See?” And then from her purse, she pulls out about 20 sugar packets. And they’re ALL THE F*CKING SAME. They weren’t matchbooks, no names or logos, just a pile of white sugar packets. She then spent the next few minutes unsuccessful in trying to identify which packet was from which restaurant. I can’t say I noped out of there, but it was an “ah-ha” moment.

One Man’s Grudge

He said that when he was in college majoring in engineering he saw another student cheat during an exam. He reported it to the professor and the department but nothing was done…..so he changed universities and refused to major in engineering. He said it was because when the cheater wasn’t punished it proved the field of engineering was amoral.

I was pretty sure he’d just washed out of engineering and was trying to make more out of it. Or he was crazy. Maybe both.

Ocean2731

Dialing For Trouble

He called 911 from my home phone and then hung up. The 911 operator called back, and I answered, she asks if someone had called 911 from the residence. I then ask him if he had dialed 911, and he said yes. I told the operator that someone did but it was an accident (it wasn’t, he was just f’ing around on the phone). The operator asks to speak with the person who called. He didn’t want to get on the line so they sent over an officer who then had to scold us about how he had to take time away for more important matters. I was livid.

The Hot Seat

She got mad at me because, after telling me that one of her favourite singers was super hot and asking me which famous person I’d think is attractive, I actually answered the question. After a huge fight, she said this, literally:

“I’m a jealous person. If I ask you about who you think is attractive, don’t say anything.”

Weeks later, she accused me of hiding something when she asked me, again, who I thought was hot on TV.

reddituser

Rolling In The Deep End

We were playing board games, and she would continually drop the dice so high that they would roll off the table. I asked her if she could roll them softer, and she snapped at me (in front of my friends): “I can’t! No one taught me how to roll dice as a child!”.

After that moment, she would always roll them in a box and would preface starting a board game to everyone about why she can only roll dice with a box. It’s like she physically couldn’t roll dice without dropping them, which to this day still puzzles me why I didn’t end it right there and then.

The Final Straw

Got home after a long 12-hour day at work, and she says that someone is coming over to talk to us. She told them to show up after I got home.

I was tired. I had a long day. I figured it was important, so I said “Sure, why?”

She found one of those fake scratch lottery tickets in the mail. Scam artists used to use those here to get you to pay stupid amounts of money for a $10 water purifier or whatever, with promises of a winning prize if you bought it. She actually thought she won something and had given them our address, phone numbers, etc.

I told her if they showed up, they’d be out on their a**es, along with her. She called them off, but we were done not that long after that. She had done more stupid stuff but they were tolerable. This was the tip of the iceberg.

topcorjor

Sunscreen Shaming

She got upset and accused me of being weak whenever I put on sunscreen. She often got so sunburned that she would be incapacitated for days and get genuinely sick.

Apparently, she moved to Wisconsin (from California) a few months ago for grad school. I guess she won’t need sunscreen if she’s indoors for most of the year.

reddituser

Lost In Translation

I mentioned that I might be interested in learning to speak Italian. He kind of scoffed and said, “Why would you need to learn Italian? That’s EASY!” Very confused, I said, “What?? Why do you think it’s so easy??” He said, “Italian is just American with an accent!” (Yes, he called it “American”, not English.) Took me a few beats and then I realized – he thought an Italian ACCENT was the actual language! Like, he thought “I’m-a gonna eat-a the spaghetti and-a meat-a-balls” was actual Italian. I could barely get the words out to explain to him how wrong he was because I was literally on the floor helpless, clutching my stomach and laughing – I could not stop for at least a full 10 minutes. He was so mad at me for laughing at him but Jesus Christ, how could I not?? Later that day I snuck his phone and changed his ringtone to that Family Guy bit where Peter is talking jibberish to the Italian guy, thinking he’s speaking Italian – “Babada boopie? Beebada boobada babada!” He did not appreciate that, either.

An Open Door Policy

He keeps leaving the screen door open while he goes outside to water his plants and let the dog do his thing, and so on. As a consequence, we end up with hundreds of flies in the house. I have asked him time and again to close the door, and he refuses, saying that he is “watching the door and doesn’t see any bugs going inside.” I am married to him.

Spaghetti Trees

My sister (24) and her boyfriend (33) were eating dinner with my parents. He remarked on how interesting it was that pasta grew in so many different shapes.

My mom assumed he was joking. But my dad stopped eating and said, “You have a tree-trimming business. WHEN have you seen pasta growing on a tree??” He said “Well they don’t grow here. Probably in like Italy or something.”

Annnnnd she 3 years later she is still dating him.

No Fish, No Swim

She was a competitive swimmer. As she started to get more into it, she told me that she didn’t want to eat fish anymore, because as a swimmer, she identified strongly with them, and that eating them would be like eating family or a friend.

I told her that there were lots of fish that ate other fish and that I didn’t understand why not eating them was a part of identifying with them. She told me that I was a jerk for not letting her believe whatever she wanted.

I think everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but you should at least be able to coherently express and explain it, and it being asked questions about it makes you angry, maybe you should stop having that opinion. Also, that particular opinion was stupid.

A Mad Scientist?

I came home from running errands one evening to him running out of our fenced backyard to grab the hose with a look of panic on his face. He yelled for me to grab the fire extinguisher.

He’s pretty calm and collected so to see him riled up means sh*t’s going down.

So I grab the fire extinguisher out of the garage and run out into the backyard where there is a huge fire burning in a pile of leaves up against the fence.

We manage to rake it away from the fence and hose it down enough that it was under control. Finally got the chance to ask him why the f*ck the fence was on fire.

He tells me that he was making some rockets and wanted to test one so he put it in a vice and it took off.

God dammit, you know how to make f*cking rocket fuel out of raw ingredients but you can’t figure out a test jig and f*ck near burn down our house.

8 god d*mn years we’ve been married. It hasn’t gotten better.

Locked In The Basement

My ex called me in a panic because she had locked herself inside her basement. I walked her through using her phone as a light even though she was too petrified to move. I calmed her down and talked her through the process of opening the storm doors from the inside. (there is a latch) I needed to provide a picture of a latch in order to convince her of what she should be looking for.

The entire process from convincing her to move to the other side of her basement to opening the door was about a half hour of steady negotiation on my part. After she got out she described it as the most terrifying experience of her life. She also apparently had the key the entire time but forgot because she was too busy panicking.

Biting and Screaming

I dated a girl once that would regularly comment on how smart I am. I thought it was really nice and she was super sweet… then we had a conversation about why the sky is blue.

She insisted that it was because sunlight hit the ocean and reflected the blue color of the water onto the sky. I explained that it’s because of a phenomenon known as Rayleigh scattering and I started to go into detail about what it was when she screamed about how wrong I am and how she just knew she was right about the ocean being the reason why.

I said that I’d show her my phone and she proceeded to bite my hand and then stomp on my phone after I dropped it before screeching at me, “IT’S THE OCEAN!”.

I literally ran away. I can tolerate involuntary stupidity, I can’t tolerate willful ignorance.

“Spices” Up His Life

My ex pepper sprayed himself in the mouth. This other guy was basically the leader of the friend group, and he sprayed a tiny bit in his own mouth, held back his reaction and instead just kinda shrugged and was like “egh, that’s not so bad” hoping someone would be really stupid. My ex was so willing to be the dumb one and immediately grabbed the pepper spray and sprayed a pretty major amount in his mouth. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t end up in the hospital.

Terradactyl87