Funny, Honest and Relatable Tweets About Married Life

No, She Didn’t

The average husband has had a long day at work. His boss was intolerable, his co-workers incompetent, and he was doing everything he could not to jump out the office window. In the waning hours of the afternoon, all he longed for was the ability to come home, turn on the game and relax with a cold brew in hand. That is until his wife screamed wildly, causing him to race to the kitchen where he was met with this…

Marriage…Ugh…

Every bachelor dreads the day when he gets married. Not because he doesn’t want a life partner. Not because he’s afraid of commitment. Not because he worries about raising a family. Every bachelor understands that there will be sacrifices. Sacrifices of his time, sacrifices of his old friendships. But what may be the greatest sacrifice of all, the loss of his leather recliner in which he has spent countless hours, screaming at the television as his favorite sports team loses once again.

The Deal Breaker

There can be many a dealbreaker when it comes to marriage. The husband may have an affair. He might be a raging narcissist. Or he could lack the emotional availability necessary to make a marriage work. With that said, all of these issues can be addressed in a therapeutic setting, often with positive results. But what can never, ever be accepted, is the husband who brings home “unfrosted pop tarts.” This is an act of complete and utter defiance that is simply unforgivable.

It’s All About the Game

“But honey, I took out the bathroom trash last week.” Alas, when a man gets married, he may be thinking to himself that he’ll have a bult in maid in his wife who will always be around to take care of the domestic side of the marriage. But his fantasy quickly turns into the reality that he must hold up his own end domestically speaking, which means that emptying out the bathroom trash will, forever be a point of contention between him and his significant other.

The Dreaded Throw Pillow

I’m not quite sure what it is about throw pillows on a bed. As a man, all I can say is that we are not genetically engineered to deal with an inordinate amount of these puffed up accoutrements. We’ve already spent the entire day working hard to support our families, so when we finally get home, all we want to do is get into bed without having to “throw” seventeen different pillows off to the side; life should be easier than this.

Nooo!

As a man who values a cool night’s sleep, I really get this tweet. There are few things as miserable as waking up in the middle of the night in a dripping sweat because your significant other has decided to kick up the thermostat a degree or two. Sleeping in a “warm” room equates to a terrible night’s sleep, resulting in a miserable day following. I’m tired, I’m grumpy, and generally speaking, I’m not a very nice person to be around.

Disturbing to Say the Least

When you agree to get married, there are things that that your partner will do that you will have to learn to live with. They may leave the toilet seat up at night. They might obsessively clean. They could even use your toothbrush from time to time. While these issues may not be worthy of a trip to divorce court, you have to draw the line the moment you see your significant other eating pasta with a spoon. This can simply never, ever happen, and your next call should be to a lawyer.

A Man’s Place in the Home

I’m not sure anyone can put into words just how much a man’s house is not really his better than Troy Johnson did in this tweet. To all you men out there, understand this. Even though you may have bought the house from your hard earned money. Even though you mow the lawn, clean out the gutters on the roof, and trim the hedges weekly. And as much as you might believe it is yours, you are only a guest in your wife’s house.

Man’s Best Friend

Look, as men, we give up quite a lot when we tie the knot. We avoid the hangs with our old college crew. We aren’t allowed to sit in front of the television all-day watching football. We can’t even go to the store without asking permission. In all honesty, we give up just about everything. What’s worse is that, after all those sacrifices, we are greeted at the door with “welcome home, now take out the garbage.” And the wife has the gall to be upset when we go straight to the dog. C’mon now.

Mama Said There’d be Days Like This

The Shining depicts the story of Jack Torrance who, during a stint as a winter caretaker of the vacant, Overo0k Hotel, slowly goes insane. In the grips of his insanity, Jack grabs an axe and chases his wife Amy and son Danny throughout the hotel in an effort to murder them, but they escape. Jack does hack the head chef to death before finally meeting his own horrific end by freezing in the elements. It’s safe to say that this story, as tragic as it is, is still better than watching the local news on any given night.

Sage Advice

There is an old adage that opposites attract. The idea is that you get into a relationship where you balance each other out. For example, you’re a hot head and your wife is the calm, cool and collected type. Or your wife is indecisive and cannot focus for a moment, while you are organized and structured to OCD levels. While this is all well and good, wouldn’t it also be nice to have a partner who is as jaded and pessimistic as you so that you can both share in your abject misery? Absolutely!

The Secret of Success

People are always on the hunt to find the secret to a successful long-term relationship: “Don’t go to bed angry.” “Try to listen to your partner.” “Make sure to show affection.” While all of these are positives in the relationship game, there is a simpler strategy, just try to avoid hating each other on the same day. Make sure that, if your spouse is hating you on Monday, save your hate for Tuesday; it’s really that easy.

Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken

The pandemic taught us many things. We learned what it was like to wear a surgical mask 24/7. We found comfort in binging endless Netflix and Amazon shows. Everyone and their mother’s pet hamster learned how to be a world class chef with the gift of a You Tube education. We have never had cleaner hands. And people got a real taste of what prison cellmates have known for years, what it’s like to be quarantined together with no end in sight.

Busted!

You know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. In this instance, it would appear that Sarcastic Mommy is more upset that her hubby beat her to the draw than she is for any other reason. One cannot blame a husband for hiding from his wife (and kids). It’s not only a natural instinct, but vital to the survival of the male species as a whole. There are times when we just need some peace and quiet away from the madness that is the family.

Image source: @simoncholland

Who Needs That Whole Anniversary Thing Anyway?

Okay, you wake up on the day after your anniversary realizing that you forgot your anniversary. Panic sets in as you feel the blood drain from your face. You lay there, in bed next to your still sleeping wife, trembling with the fear that she will unleash the wrath of spousal hell down upon your head the moment she wakes up. You look over as she stirs, gently turning her head towards you as she opens her eyes and says, “Good morning honey,” completely oblivious to the fact that she too, has forgotten your anniversary.

No Skip; No Skip

I find it difficult to be too judgmental here; I’ve been known to run off at the mouth for extended periods of time. I understand completely when I see the other’s eyes glaze over during one of my many diatribes. I would not be offended if my wife asked Alexa to skip. With that said, I would have to be out of my friggin mind to believe for a moment that my wife wouldn’t have my hide if roles were reversed.

Just Let Me Do It Honey!

C’mon fellow men, we’ve all been in this situation before. Much to your dismay, your wife decides she wants to drive for a change, so she grabs the keys and hops in the driver’s seat for a trip to the market. As you sit in the unfamiliar confines of the passenger seat, you cannot help but squirm as your lovely bride speeds, tailgates, and repeatedly cuts off the other drivers. And of course, it takes her seven tries to parallel park the car. And all you can do is pray to God that you might make it out of this alive.

She’s the Boss

Another age old adage for a successful marriage, the woman is always right. “Yes dear,” “Whatever you say, honey.” “I agree sweetheart.” “You’re right, baby.” As long as you follow these basic principles, you’re bound to have a happy relationship. Or, at least a less stressful one. You just have to remember that this applies to all things, big or small. They type of house you buy. The car you drive. The clothes you wear, and even who gets your French fries. Remember, “Happy wife; happy life.”

You Said What?

If I had a nickel for every night my wife kept me up with her snoring, I’d be retired and living on the French Riviera. This is something I remind her of each and every morning. Of course she then lets me know that I was, once again, talking in my sleep, which kept her up. I’m immediately stuck with fear as to what, or who, I was talking about. Seeing the obvious terror in my eyes, my wife bursts out with laughter as she reassures me that it was nothing that will require a visit to divorce court.

Slow Learner

I’m not gonna lie; this is me. Generally speaking, men can be very much slobs. Look at a man’s apartment before marriage, and you’ll see a long history of garbage overflowing, dishes piled up in the sink, and clothing strung across the floor; it’s built deeply into are genetics. This is not a secret, and if we, as a species are being honest, women of the world should be a bit more understanding of our domestic misgivings 🙂 Ladies, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it.

Men Don’t Stand a Chance

I love Google; it has made life incredibly easy. Should I open my hardcover encyclopedia? Nah, I have Google. Need the ingredients for a tasty chocolate cake? Grab up that recipe book; nah, I have Google. Want to find the best hardcase for my new smartphone? Open up the yellow pages; nah, I have Google. Looking to win a debate with my wife? No problem, I have Google. Unfortunately, my wife has Google too… 🙁

That Whole Folding Thing is so Overrated

For most male bachelors, proper towel folding ranks up there with properly washing dishes, preventing garbage overflow, and preparing a bowl of cereal for dinner. But alas, marriage introduces a world of new experiences, and to avoid a trip to marriage counseling, I have made the necessary adjustments, which include a transition from leaving the wet towel on the bathroom floor to hanging it properly on the rack. With that said, I do not see a towel presentation akin to complex origami in my future.

But Honey, my television?

After a long day’s work, we men love to sit down, grab a brewski, and relax in front of the tube to watch our favorite team win the big one. And if it’s not the game, it’s yet another true crime doc, action flick, or a stand up comedy show. We’re not asking for the world here, and it’s not a criminal offense, but if you ask the wives, all we do is sit around, drink beer, eat chips, and get fat.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

Men are experts at playing dumb; it’s a skill that we’ve turned into an artform, and plausible deniability is at the heat of our little game. Simply deny, deny, deny until the wife finally gives up and moves on. Unfortunately for us, not only have they caught on to our little play, they have taken it up a notch with what I call “the blame offensive.” In the blame offensive, women do not have to deny anything, all they have to do is go on the offensive with an accusation, immediately putting the husband on the defensive and therefore gaining an advantage. It’s yet another loss for the men.

Sticker Shock!

It’s not a secret that married couples have disagreements about money. What a man considers to be a lot might not really jive with the female interpretation. Generally speaking, most, okay, maybe some, men are practical in their spending habits. They want to be able to pay the bills, and have enough left over to have a beer in front of the television. They can get by without breaking the bank on a weekly basis; women, not so much.

We Know, We Know. Finding Things is Simply Not in Our Purview

Okay, in defense of men the world over, it really shouldn’t be in the marriage compact that we be responsible for finding things. That is a talent that, quite honestly, we were deprived of at birth. It’s not like we don’t try. I can stand in front of the refrigerator for ten minutes looking for the container with last night’s leftovers, only to have my wife walk up and point it out on the top shelf directly in front of me in about five seconds!

Times are a Changin

Look, while men may deserve a bad rap in the past for our lack of time in the kitchen, things are slowly turning around. We have come a long way from the days of Kraft Mac and Cheese and frozen pizzas. Thanks to a combination of the pandemic and You Tube cooking channels, men are quietly finding their groove in front of the stove, and the wives are going to have to acknowledge it if they want to continue to reap the benefits.

Watch Those Knees Buddy

Ah, the good ole days of the hopeless romantic. Remember how you dreamed of sharing the bed with your spouse, endlessly holding and cuddling each other? I do. I loved the idea of waking up with my arms wrapped around my wife in a tight embrace, dreaming about our future together. Well, that was then, and this is now. Gone are the days of the romantic embrace. In all honesty, I’m not sure that a night goes by without getting kneed by her; it happens all the time. People toss and turn, and unless you’ve got one of those massive, California King mattresses, someone’s getting bruised up.

Damned if You do; Damned if You Don’t!

This reads a bit like the whole towel folding tweet. No matter what we do as men, we are never going to receive the approval of our wives. This is especially true when it comes to the domesticated side of things. If I look at the photo in this tweet, I see dishes that are organized perfectly. Nothing is laying on top of, or blocking anything else from the water jets; the man has made perfect use of the available slots, but such is marriage. No matter how perfectly organized this dishwasher is, the wife will still disapprove and the husband will have to try again.

Today’s Educational Institution

There are many men are not too concerned about their hair cut. We would rather spend time doing anything else than sitting in a barber chair while some guy they don’t know slices and dices our mop. And with the endless number of You Tube tutorials on hair cutting, we are seeing more men opting for a haircut at home at the hands of their significant other. In the end, true love is when you are willing to let your spouse near your head with a sharp pair of scissors.

She Knew What Time it Was

This is a classic look into the inner workings of a successful marriage. On the one hand, the wife knows what’s up. She recognizes from the many previous instances of her husband sitting on the remote, that he was probably once again sitting on the remote. And on the husband’s side, he knows that his wife knows what’s up. To ensure that the rest of the evening will not be left in ruins, he admits that yes, he does not want to move, because he is probably sitting on the remote.

Gotta Love Those Surprises

This may be the best, and most accurate tweet on this list as it sums up the human condition of marriage very well. We end up falling in love based on those early experiences when each person goes above and beyond to prove that they are worthy of a commitment. And we end up staying in love because, even though we are flawed, developing the ability to deal with each other’s flaws only strengthens that commitment and provides a counter-balance to the positive traits.

This is a Test

Your wife’s birthday is rapidly approaching, and, as usual, you are lost as to what type of cake to get her; a task that has not been one of your strong suits over the years. For her 30th, you bought a chocolate cake with chocolate icing and sprinkles; she balked. For her 35th, you got her the vanilla with pastel flowers on top; she called it prissy. For her 40th, you took a chance with a carrot cake; she winced. So when she said that she’d buy her own birthday cake this year, you might acquiesce. But you know damn well that, if you do, she’ll rip you for not loving her, so, maybe try an ice cream cake and hope for the best.

Don’t Ya Just Miss the Pandemic?

The pandemic may have been the greatest test to married couples in the history of marriage. For almost two years, we were quarantined in our often cramped living spaces. And a trip to the local bodega could result in sickness or even death. It was a difficult time to say the least. With that said, while the pandemic may have spelled the end for some marriages, many couples found that not only were they compatible, but that these oppressive circumstances brought them closer than ever before.

At Least She’s Honest

We now live in a age of technological innovation where almost anything is possible, including keeping real-time tabs on your spouse. And when we see a woman tracking her husband’s whereabouts, it’s usually because she suspects that he’s stepping out on her. But it turns out, not all is as it appears. The reality is that Jordyn is more concerned about getting busted for her leisurely activities and the appearance of being lazy than any concern of catching her husband with his secretary.

Yes Dear

We’ve all been there before. You take your wife out for a night at the movies. Before entry into the theater, you stop at the concession stand where you clearly ask your wife, “Would you like some popcorn honey?” “No, I’m good,” she responds. So you grab up a box of the yellow stuff for yourself and off you go. But you know what the deal is, because you’ve seen this movie before, both figuratively and literally. The moment you sit down, she’s gonna start snaking your goods, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. This should be filed under that, “Yes dear” category.

Damned if You do; Damned if You Don’t

Communicating in a marriage can be very challenging at times. As the husband, understanding your wife can be akin to learning the Chinese language. There will be instances when she will tell you one thing, yet mean something completely different. This may be one of the more elusive pursuits known to human kind, and it is always best to lower the expectations on your end. You may have to simply chalk this up to, “You’re damned if you do; you’re damned if you don’t.

You Said What?

Eating healthy is a challenge for most married couples. When we are on the hunt to find our significant other, we do our best to look good so we’ll get noticed. This means eating healthy and exercising, but once we find that life partner and settle down into a routine, all that goes out the window. This means that we can eat whatever the heck we want, so when your spouse comes to you with the mandate that “We” are going to start eating healthier, make sure to remind him or her that those days are over and you will eat whatever in the hell you want!